At the top of the rollercoaster

"The moment that you feel that, just possibly, you're walking down the street naked, exposing too much of your heart and your mind and what exists on the inside, showing too much of yourself.  That's the moment you may be starting to get it right."  

- Neil Gaiman

Wow.  He sure said a mouthful.

He has just touched on what is probably at the core of so many things for me - my absolute paralyzing fear of being seen. 

When I was growing up, I was the little girl who got the lead in the Christmas pageant in grade one, I was Snow White in grade two, I was chosen to lead the girls in some thing we were doing in grade three, not because I asked for it, not because I wanted it...I don't know why really.  I was the kind of student teachers loved.  I was quiet, I did my work, I behaved in the way they wanted me to.  I didn't try to be noticed but I was.  And because of that, I was hated.

I used to come home from school crying because the other girls treated me so poorly.  I didn't know what I'd done.  Truth is, I hadn't done anything.  I was just being me.

So I tried to stop being me, because the hate didn't stop when I got out of elementary school.  I was bullied in Junior High by a girl who decided that I was the perfect target for her anger, grief and frustration over her parents' break up.  She bullied me terribly, following me home, stepping on my heels and daring me to fight her.  I told her if she wanted to fight she'd have to punch first, which she did, and I can't even remember if I hit back, but the fight was over quickly.  The bruises to my body healed fast, but the bruises to my spirit haven't.

I tried hiding.  I have spent most of my life hiding - well, trying to hide.  It may seem a completely crazy thing for me to admit to, given that I pursued a career as a performing artist.  But that was the beauty of it all.  It wasn't me onstage.  It was never me.  It was a character, and so I had all the freedom in the world.  What a beautiful thing.

Being on the stage was a joy, but pursuing a career as an artist was not.  There were many years of doing the whole "starving artist" thing because there's no money in the arts... or so I was told.  I internalized so many things that others said to me, or about me, or ways they treated me.

I'm ready to be done with that now.  At the top of the rollercoaster, waiting for it to take the plunge, I sit here and write these words and wrestle with whether to publish them and go over the peak, or stay in fear glued to my seat.

Here I go...