Wow. Well, it's been a LONG time since I've sat down to write. Life gets too crazy sometimes.
Finally the pace of my life caught up to me and my body said "ENOUGH!" In other words, I got sick. I'm in my recovery period now and I always find that after I've been sick enough to slow the hell down, my life shifts a little.
So I sat down to get a few thoughts off my mind and came across a few blog entries that I had started and never finished. Wow. The things I was thinking about a few months ago are coming to focus again.
This is from an entry started in the summer....
"Our latest drama is we're buying a house! Exciting? Yes. Stressful? Also yes.
Why is it that even good changes make us stressed?
I just spent three days in one of the most beautiful places on earth - Jasper National Park. I had a lovely time. I relaxed for the first time in ages and yet when I returned home, the stress came back. It felt weird to not have stress. It was like my brain sought out something to be worried about. I have become habituated to stress and worry.
How many other feelings do we experience out of force of habit? Habit is a very powerful thing. Have you ever driven home from work with a distracted mind and got home not remembering anything about the drive? It was as if you were on auto-pilot? I think many of us do this more often than we know. We have habituated certain behaviours and we don't even realize we're doing them."
Three or four months later and my brain is still in the process of making the shift. The major stressors in my life are finally gone. It's hard to grasp. I'm still living my life in quasi-crisis mode, just waiting for the other shoe to fall. My consciousness hasn't caught up with my new reality yet.
So what am I doing about it? Nothing. I spent several fruitless days (okay, weeks) trying to snap from one reality into a new one, but it wasn't working. My logical mind knew that the stress was over and now I should be getting on with the business of creating my life, but how? What to do? I had no clue. And that frustrated the hell out me! I hate sitting still. So I pushed. Instead of allowing myself to transition gracefully and slowly into a new reality and give myself time to think about what I wanted my future to look like, I tried to make something come to mind. Well, that's about as productive as standing over a flower and shouting "grow dammit!"
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Lessons learned from dog training
A few days ago a musician acquaintance who is my friend on Facebook posted that she was considering getting a puppy and was looking for feedback. I freely shared my experience with her and posted that having a puppy was like having a baby - a lot of work! A few posts later, one of her friends made the comment that having a puppy was nothing like having a baby - you can't leave a baby in a crate for a few hours! Aside from the fact that she totally missed the point I was trying to make about the amount of work required, I still maintain that puppies and babies have a lot in common. In fact, I think I would go so far as to say that the dog training I have done recently has given me a lot to think about in my dealings with my daughter, and with other human beings as well.
Fifteen years ago when we got our first puppy, we took him to puppy classes. I remember in those classes the focus on establishing yourself as the "alpha" of the pack. Usually this was achieved by things such as throwing him on his back and staring him down until he did the doggy equivalent of saying "uncle". It was about a show of strength and by belittling or demeaning your dog. I was never very good at it.
Times have changed. We now have a new dog - Riley. We adopted her from the Humane Society as an adult dog several months ago and enrolled her in obedience training. I am proud to say that she is a recent graduate of the "Feisty Fido" class. This class was designed especially for dogs like her with excitability issues and I have to say, it's been a revelation.
In this class we have learned to build a positive trust relationship with our dogs. The word "alpha" or dominant have never come up in class. It's all about positive reinforcement and negative punishment. But the negative punishment isn't what you might think - essentially, the punishment is the lack of positive reward. No belittling, no power struggles.
How would parenting be different if we applied this principle? Or even our interactions with other adults? Instead of jockeying for position, what if we sought to build a trust relationship and perhaps even show real leadership?
I've had an issue in my life that has been slowly developing over the course of several months. Last week, this issue came to a head. There was a boundary that had been crossed and there was a need to assert myself. Although I tried to handle this situation with as much grace as I could and to still allow the other party their dignity, I'm not sure I achieved that goal. I have heard that the person that I stood up to was contrite. Not exactly what I was hoping for. Why is it so difficult with some people? They behave like a dog baring its teeth and jockeying for a higher position and when they are shown the boundary, they put their tail between their legs. I think, "why are you trying to pull this dominance business on me?" I'd much rather continue to build the relationship and the trust bond than to throw you down and take the piss out of you.
Are there dogs and people that don't respond to a reasonable approach? Or is just that my technique still rough?
I'd like to believe the latter is true. I remember reading once that the first rule of dog training is be smarter than the dog. Perhaps this is true with people too.
Fifteen years ago when we got our first puppy, we took him to puppy classes. I remember in those classes the focus on establishing yourself as the "alpha" of the pack. Usually this was achieved by things such as throwing him on his back and staring him down until he did the doggy equivalent of saying "uncle". It was about a show of strength and by belittling or demeaning your dog. I was never very good at it.
Times have changed. We now have a new dog - Riley. We adopted her from the Humane Society as an adult dog several months ago and enrolled her in obedience training. I am proud to say that she is a recent graduate of the "Feisty Fido" class. This class was designed especially for dogs like her with excitability issues and I have to say, it's been a revelation.
In this class we have learned to build a positive trust relationship with our dogs. The word "alpha" or dominant have never come up in class. It's all about positive reinforcement and negative punishment. But the negative punishment isn't what you might think - essentially, the punishment is the lack of positive reward. No belittling, no power struggles.
How would parenting be different if we applied this principle? Or even our interactions with other adults? Instead of jockeying for position, what if we sought to build a trust relationship and perhaps even show real leadership?
I've had an issue in my life that has been slowly developing over the course of several months. Last week, this issue came to a head. There was a boundary that had been crossed and there was a need to assert myself. Although I tried to handle this situation with as much grace as I could and to still allow the other party their dignity, I'm not sure I achieved that goal. I have heard that the person that I stood up to was contrite. Not exactly what I was hoping for. Why is it so difficult with some people? They behave like a dog baring its teeth and jockeying for a higher position and when they are shown the boundary, they put their tail between their legs. I think, "why are you trying to pull this dominance business on me?" I'd much rather continue to build the relationship and the trust bond than to throw you down and take the piss out of you.
Are there dogs and people that don't respond to a reasonable approach? Or is just that my technique still rough?
I'd like to believe the latter is true. I remember reading once that the first rule of dog training is be smarter than the dog. Perhaps this is true with people too.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
101 in 1001
A couple of weeks ago on a Monday morning my husband and I awoke, showered and got dressed so we could attend the funeral of our friend's mother. She was only 63.
After the funeral, we got into our vehicle and drove home. Both of our hearts were heavy. We both understood all too well the family's feeling of loss.
This year I have seen the death of my father-in-law, and it seems that every time I turn around I hear of the death of another friend's parent. This makes me incredibly sad for my friends and grateful that I still have both of my parents. The deaths that have been in my circle of friends feels like a whisper from the universe – “pay attention”. As Oprah Winfrey says, when you don’t listen to the whispers, they turn into shouts, and then one day you find the universe kicking you upside of the head. Something drastic happens and you have no choice but to pay attention.
Finally this death prompted me to start paying attention. Something changed. Maybe I was inspired by this woman's determination to change her life in spite of her age and circumstances. Or maybe I'd just reached my limit - I don't know. But when we drove home that day I had decided that I wasn't going to let my life just keep on floating past me. The end comes too swiftly, and we never really know when it will be our turn.
It's way too easy to get caught up in our own busy-ness. At least it is for me. But when the crunch comes, we make time to be with our friends and family in their time of need. Why do we wait until the end to do this?
So I made a vow to myself that I would make a change. I don’t want to wait for “someday”. Although I think that I will likely have many more years with all of my loved ones, I don’t know that for sure. And what if I’m wrong? Are there things I want to do or to say? Yes!
As we drove home I said to my husband, "I want to go on that river canoe trip with my dad that we've always talked about. I want to do it this summer." His response was simple. "Do it."
After I came home and went about my day, these thoughts continued to rumbling around in my head. What experiences am I putting off? What memories do I wish to create? And why am I waiting?
So I sat down and started a “bucket list” – ie. things I want to do before I kick the bucket. Then I remembered the list my friend Jeanine wrote up. It was 101 things to do in 1001 days, because "someday" is too nebulous.
Here it is.
After the funeral, we got into our vehicle and drove home. Both of our hearts were heavy. We both understood all too well the family's feeling of loss.
This year I have seen the death of my father-in-law, and it seems that every time I turn around I hear of the death of another friend's parent. This makes me incredibly sad for my friends and grateful that I still have both of my parents. The deaths that have been in my circle of friends feels like a whisper from the universe – “pay attention”. As Oprah Winfrey says, when you don’t listen to the whispers, they turn into shouts, and then one day you find the universe kicking you upside of the head. Something drastic happens and you have no choice but to pay attention.
Finally this death prompted me to start paying attention. Something changed. Maybe I was inspired by this woman's determination to change her life in spite of her age and circumstances. Or maybe I'd just reached my limit - I don't know. But when we drove home that day I had decided that I wasn't going to let my life just keep on floating past me. The end comes too swiftly, and we never really know when it will be our turn.
It's way too easy to get caught up in our own busy-ness. At least it is for me. But when the crunch comes, we make time to be with our friends and family in their time of need. Why do we wait until the end to do this?
So I made a vow to myself that I would make a change. I don’t want to wait for “someday”. Although I think that I will likely have many more years with all of my loved ones, I don’t know that for sure. And what if I’m wrong? Are there things I want to do or to say? Yes!
As we drove home I said to my husband, "I want to go on that river canoe trip with my dad that we've always talked about. I want to do it this summer." His response was simple. "Do it."
After I came home and went about my day, these thoughts continued to rumbling around in my head. What experiences am I putting off? What memories do I wish to create? And why am I waiting?
So I sat down and started a “bucket list” – ie. things I want to do before I kick the bucket. Then I remembered the list my friend Jeanine wrote up. It was 101 things to do in 1001 days, because "someday" is too nebulous.
Here it is.
- Learn how to spin wool
- Buy a house
- Take a canoe trip down the
- Travel to
- See a musical on Broadway
- See an opera at the Met
- Have high tea at Rutherford House
- Do an overnight trail ride
- Have high tea at the Empress in
- Have high tea at the Hotel MacDonald
- Paint a watercolour picture
- Do an over night kayak trip on the West Coast
- Can my own raspberries and peaches
- Grow a vegetable garden
- Learn to belly-dance
- Plan a wardrobe with an image consultant
- Take a writing class
- Write a book
- Take my daughter to
- Find a creative collaborator and launch a new artistic creation
- Start a mastermind group
- Learn how to cook Indian Food (East Indian not Native Indian!)
- Finish reading 10 books I’ve started but never finished
- Learn how to change the oil in my vehicle
- Go cross-country skiing at
- Swim in a lake
- Do yoga four times in a month
- Learn to play a song on the guitar
- Take my parents out for dinner
- Have a girls night out at the Creperie
- Explore all of the off-leash dog parks in
- Take K swimming with the dolphins
- Double my current average monthly earnings
- Triple my current average monthly earnings
- Drive through the Okanagan when the cherry blossoms are out
- Take my dog to agility training.
- Buy some beautiful new bath towels
- Have a makeover with my daughter
- Learn 10 new vegetarian recipes
- Visit
- Have a pedicure
- Spend an entire day reading.
- Complete an entire course of The Artist’s Way
- Attend a play
- Become involved in a political cause
- Perform a recital in
- Host a cooking bee with friends
- Go strawberry picking
- Pick wild blueberries or saskatoons
- Visit a lake in
- Go for a sauna at my cousin’s
- Stay overnight at my aunt’s
- Visit the Devonian Botanical Gardens
- Get a fancy camera and learn how to take pictures that are true to what I see
- Dye my hair platinum blonde
- Lose twenty pounds
- Make a new friend
- Get pet insurance
- Have disposable income
- Split my disposable income into funds for Financial Freedom, Education, Fun, Charity and Major Purchases/Travelling
- Have 10 date nights with my husband
- Learn how to do basic wiring
- Learn how to drywall
- Learn how to install flooring
- Start a fund to save for my parent’s 50th Wedding Anniversary
- Get a headstone for my father-in-law’s grave
- Train Riley so well that she’ll stay outside of a store while I run in for a few minutes (to get coffee!)
- Do an overnight hike with K and G
- Go to a naturopath to get in tip top health
- Wear a bikini proudly
- Have a glamour photo shoot done of myself
- Try 5 new red wines
- Buy a pair of dead sexy, totally frivolous shoes
- Transfer all of our pictures onto CDs
- Make a CD of Cara and Justin’s wedding photos and give it to them
- Learn a Mozart concert aria
- Organize all of my files
- Sort through and store all of my daughter’s toys
- Have a professional family portrait taken
- Buy new bras
- Start the habit of taking a multivitamin everyday (cross this off after a consistent 6 weeks)
- Paint pottery with my daughter
- Make a scrapbook of Cath’s birthday and send to her
- Read about the situation in the middle east and develop my own opinions on what is happening there
- Follow politics everyday for a month
- Frame my degrees and hang them up
- Teach my daughter to jump double-dutch
- Read 5 books about a culture I don’t know about
- Be able to identify all the countries on a map of
- Be able to identify all the countries on a map of
- Buy a new swimsuit
- Sew myself something
- Make my dad a carrot cake
- Add 5 new fish recipes to my repertoire
- Find a place to buy good smoked whitefish
- Learn how to do Powerpoint
- Finish my bucket list
- Get business cards made
- Make a business plan
- Designate guardians for my daughter
- Own 5 cat and dog-safe houseplants
- Comb all of the knots out of my kitty’s coat and get it looking lustrous
- Top secret!
- Have two sets of sheets, pillowcases and duvet covers
As you can see, once I got going I thought of all kinds of things to do! I have a few extras that I've decided to leave on the list in case some of the others are either unmanageable or cease to interest me.
It's a cliche because it's true - life is short. I don't know about you, but here's how I plan to jam pack it as full of good stuff as I can!
Friday, July 1, 2011
Oh Canada!
It's so gratifying to see all of the proud red and white and the maple leaves gracing the profile pictures of my friends on Facebook today. We may not have the "rah, rah" of our neighbours to the south, but don't mistake that for anything less than a fierce pride in living in what we think is the greatest country on the planet!
The winter Olympics in Vancouver was a turning point for our country I think. We proved to the world that for a land as big as ours and as sparsely populated as we are for our size, we can hold our own on the world stage. Canadians were united in our pride for this land and it was a thing of beauty. It made my heart swell to hear our anthem being played as our athletes won medal after medal.
We are facing another turning point in our history. We have just elected a majority government that intends to make some big changes to the fabric of this land. What will our country look like in four or five years? What will our reputation be like? Will we still be "the greatest" country in the world?
Our current leadership has drafted a bill that allows unwarranted internet taps. They are also negotiating a trade agreement known as CETA with the European Union that will allow for access to goods and services currently provided by the public sector - things like garbage collection, road maintenance and our water. Our governments could also be sued by European corporations if they think a decision will affect their future profits. Is this the Canada we want?
If you haven't heard about these issues, please educate yourselves. They have the potential to change our nation for generations to come.
When you sing our anthem and say those words "...the true north, strong and free", what does that mean to you? How do we as proud citizens insure that we stay free?
(Here are links to some information on these issues. Keep in mind this is not the whole picture. I encourage you to seek other information and to learn as much as you can before making up your own minds.)
http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/opinions/tabatha-southey/ottawa-to-contract-out-spying-but-who-cares-its-only-the-internet/article2075104/
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xQPh_YSnkVI
The winter Olympics in Vancouver was a turning point for our country I think. We proved to the world that for a land as big as ours and as sparsely populated as we are for our size, we can hold our own on the world stage. Canadians were united in our pride for this land and it was a thing of beauty. It made my heart swell to hear our anthem being played as our athletes won medal after medal.
We are facing another turning point in our history. We have just elected a majority government that intends to make some big changes to the fabric of this land. What will our country look like in four or five years? What will our reputation be like? Will we still be "the greatest" country in the world?
Our current leadership has drafted a bill that allows unwarranted internet taps. They are also negotiating a trade agreement known as CETA with the European Union that will allow for access to goods and services currently provided by the public sector - things like garbage collection, road maintenance and our water. Our governments could also be sued by European corporations if they think a decision will affect their future profits. Is this the Canada we want?
If you haven't heard about these issues, please educate yourselves. They have the potential to change our nation for generations to come.
When you sing our anthem and say those words "...the true north, strong and free", what does that mean to you? How do we as proud citizens insure that we stay free?
(Here are links to some information on these issues. Keep in mind this is not the whole picture. I encourage you to seek other information and to learn as much as you can before making up your own minds.)
http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/opinions/tabatha-southey/ottawa-to-contract-out-spying-but-who-cares-its-only-the-internet/article2075104/
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xQPh_YSnkVI
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Reinvention
A couple of things happened in the last few days to bring the topic of reinvention to my consciousness. It started with Indiana Jones.
Yes, you read that right. My life's epiphanies are precipitated by a fictional character in a fedora. Well, perhaps it would be more accurate to say that they are precipitated by my childhood crush! But I digress...
Back to the topic at hand. Harrison Ford was a crush of mine from the time I first saw Star Wars in the late seventies. I loved the characters he played, and as I got older and learned more about him, I developed a respect for his craftsmanship and the down-to-earth way he lived in spite of his fame. I also respected the fact that he was married to a woman who was not simply a bombshell, but had a vibrant career of her own and struck me as being his equal. Then he had his "mid-life crisis". He divorced his wife of some twenty-odd years, got his ear pierced and took up with Calista Flockhart. I was devastated.
It seems weird, even to me, to be upset with the life changes of someone I don't know, so I can't imagine what it would be like to have someone important and intimate in your life make those kinds of changes. But my crush on him was something that helped define me, so when he changed, it left me feeling unsettled.
Early in the week we went to the funeral of a friend's mother. She did the same thing as Harrison Ford. Although she wasn't a famous Hollywood star, in her fifties or early sixties she decided to divorce, change her name and live a different life. Then a few days later I was at work and struck up a conversation with one of the teachers at the school I work at. She spent many years in a loveless marriage for the sake of her children and had recently divorced her husband and moved halfway across the country to start over. Her adult children were sad about the changes she had made and didn't want to visit her in her new life. They were deeply affected by her decision.
What these women did took courage. Immense courage. To do what they felt was best for them in spite of other's reservations. So I applauded them. It was easy to do that because I wasn't personally affected by their decisions.
Generally speaking as people, we dislike change. When someone close to us decides to change their life, it affects us. Their presence in our lives helps to define who we are, and if they change, then we have to adapt and adjust as well. It's not always easy, but I think that accepting people for who they are and allowing them to grow and change is a real gift.
After hearing the stories of these women and giving it some thought, I've realized that change takes courage and that it's not up to me to insist that everyone stay the same just so I don't have to deal with it. This brings me back around to Harrison Ford and I'd like to leave you all with this quote by the man himself.
"I am not the first man who wanted to make changes in his life at 60 and I won't be the last. It is just that others can do it with anonymity. I was interested in changing my life. I have always had the ability to change and become other people through my acting. I took a good look at myself and decided I wanted something different from the way I was living. That's not such a bad thing, is it? But, because of my past, I think it took a lot of people by surprise. They wondered what was happening to me. I was very much aware of what was happening. I'm living the way I want to live."
I'm smiling and shaking my head as I write this because I realize how ridiculous it sounds, but Mr. Ford - I forgive you.
Yes, you read that right. My life's epiphanies are precipitated by a fictional character in a fedora. Well, perhaps it would be more accurate to say that they are precipitated by my childhood crush! But I digress...
Back to the topic at hand. Harrison Ford was a crush of mine from the time I first saw Star Wars in the late seventies. I loved the characters he played, and as I got older and learned more about him, I developed a respect for his craftsmanship and the down-to-earth way he lived in spite of his fame. I also respected the fact that he was married to a woman who was not simply a bombshell, but had a vibrant career of her own and struck me as being his equal. Then he had his "mid-life crisis". He divorced his wife of some twenty-odd years, got his ear pierced and took up with Calista Flockhart. I was devastated.
It seems weird, even to me, to be upset with the life changes of someone I don't know, so I can't imagine what it would be like to have someone important and intimate in your life make those kinds of changes. But my crush on him was something that helped define me, so when he changed, it left me feeling unsettled.
Early in the week we went to the funeral of a friend's mother. She did the same thing as Harrison Ford. Although she wasn't a famous Hollywood star, in her fifties or early sixties she decided to divorce, change her name and live a different life. Then a few days later I was at work and struck up a conversation with one of the teachers at the school I work at. She spent many years in a loveless marriage for the sake of her children and had recently divorced her husband and moved halfway across the country to start over. Her adult children were sad about the changes she had made and didn't want to visit her in her new life. They were deeply affected by her decision.
What these women did took courage. Immense courage. To do what they felt was best for them in spite of other's reservations. So I applauded them. It was easy to do that because I wasn't personally affected by their decisions.
Generally speaking as people, we dislike change. When someone close to us decides to change their life, it affects us. Their presence in our lives helps to define who we are, and if they change, then we have to adapt and adjust as well. It's not always easy, but I think that accepting people for who they are and allowing them to grow and change is a real gift.
After hearing the stories of these women and giving it some thought, I've realized that change takes courage and that it's not up to me to insist that everyone stay the same just so I don't have to deal with it. This brings me back around to Harrison Ford and I'd like to leave you all with this quote by the man himself.
"I am not the first man who wanted to make changes in his life at 60 and I won't be the last. It is just that others can do it with anonymity. I was interested in changing my life. I have always had the ability to change and become other people through my acting. I took a good look at myself and decided I wanted something different from the way I was living. That's not such a bad thing, is it? But, because of my past, I think it took a lot of people by surprise. They wondered what was happening to me. I was very much aware of what was happening. I'm living the way I want to live."
I'm smiling and shaking my head as I write this because I realize how ridiculous it sounds, but Mr. Ford - I forgive you.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Authenticity
A couple of weeks ago I sent a link to my blog to a friend of mine who is an accomplished writer. He is a former magazine editor and an acclaimed author of two books. I asked him for his feedback and although he gave me a positive critique, this is the part that stuck in my head. He said that it was obvious that I writing for myself, and that was fine, but writing for an audience was a different thing. Which got me to thinking. Who am I writing for, and why?
When I was singing regularly, I did it for others. Of course I did it for myself too, but deep down inside I felt that I had been so lucky to have been blessed with such a gift and the opportunities to develop it, and that I was obligated to share it with the world. I really didn't allow myself to enjoy it fully for it's own sake - only for what it gave to others. That made me dependent on their praise for my own fulfillment. Perhaps these are some of the reasons that my singing career never really took off.
I started writing this blog as a place to explore my thoughts and get down some of the things I was dealing with. It wasn't intended as a forum for teaching others how to live. I'm finding some of my own answers but I haven't got them for others. If you enjoy my writing, I'm happy. If you connect to what I'm saying, I'm thrilled. If you are learning something from it, I am humbled. But who am I writing it for? Well, as much as it pains me to say it, my friend is right. I'm writing for myself.
That's an incredibly hard thing for me to admit. It feels so incredibly selfish and self-centred it makes me cringe. It makes me immediately want to say "no, no! I'm writing it all for you! Please don't think I'm selfish!" But if I am only trying to guess what people would like to read, does that do anyone any good? Is that authentic? Is it real?
I think it's like the oxygen masks on an airplane. You have to put your own on first before helping others. If I can claim my voice for myself and write from my experience and my heart without obsessing about what others will think of it, it will be authentic and true and it will be mine to share.
I think it's like the oxygen masks on an airplane. You have to put your own on first before helping others. If I can claim my voice for myself and write from my experience and my heart without obsessing about what others will think of it, it will be authentic and true and it will be mine to share.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Not resisting
The question yesterday was how to deal with your own mind. How to alter your thoughts to something better.
Today's musings are about how to help someone else do it.
I have a twelve year old daughter. Yesterday was not a good day for her. Without getting into details, let's just say that she came home in a foul mood.
When it was time to do homework, this mood had not abated. The homework intensified the frustration and anger she felt. So as a parent, I know that getting the homework done is important. I have also learned that suppressing emotions is generally not a good thing. Sometimes you have to hold them in until you're in a safe place to let them out, but bottling them up indefinitely is something I believe is very unhealthy.
My first instinct was to tell her to buckle down and get it done, which is what I did. Git 'er done, put your nose to the grindstone, stiff upper lip and all that stuff. How successful do you think I was?
Well, I'll tell you. Not very. We argued. I pushed her to stuff it down and work, and she pushed back. The big emotions she was feeling needed to come out. It was not a pretty sight.
Then I had a moment of inspiration. I set the timer on the microwave for one minute and told her to go downstairs and beat up the punching bag until the timer went off. She spent at least five minutes beating the stuffing out of that bag, but when she was finished, she apologized for her behaviour and the homework was done in about two minutes with no tears, no anger, no power struggles.
The lesson here? By allowing her to have her feelings and making home that safe place to express them, she was able to move through them and then move on.
I wish I could say that I am certain I will do the same every time I am faced with a similar situation, or that I'm confident that I will always catch myself feeding my side of a power struggle. I'm sure I won't. I think the lesson here, for me, was in not resisting. By letting the feelings just be and moving through them, their power was greatly diminished. Now where else can I apply this? I think that's a blog for another day!
Today's musings are about how to help someone else do it.
I have a twelve year old daughter. Yesterday was not a good day for her. Without getting into details, let's just say that she came home in a foul mood.
When it was time to do homework, this mood had not abated. The homework intensified the frustration and anger she felt. So as a parent, I know that getting the homework done is important. I have also learned that suppressing emotions is generally not a good thing. Sometimes you have to hold them in until you're in a safe place to let them out, but bottling them up indefinitely is something I believe is very unhealthy.
My first instinct was to tell her to buckle down and get it done, which is what I did. Git 'er done, put your nose to the grindstone, stiff upper lip and all that stuff. How successful do you think I was?
Well, I'll tell you. Not very. We argued. I pushed her to stuff it down and work, and she pushed back. The big emotions she was feeling needed to come out. It was not a pretty sight.
Then I had a moment of inspiration. I set the timer on the microwave for one minute and told her to go downstairs and beat up the punching bag until the timer went off. She spent at least five minutes beating the stuffing out of that bag, but when she was finished, she apologized for her behaviour and the homework was done in about two minutes with no tears, no anger, no power struggles.
The lesson here? By allowing her to have her feelings and making home that safe place to express them, she was able to move through them and then move on.
I wish I could say that I am certain I will do the same every time I am faced with a similar situation, or that I'm confident that I will always catch myself feeding my side of a power struggle. I'm sure I won't. I think the lesson here, for me, was in not resisting. By letting the feelings just be and moving through them, their power was greatly diminished. Now where else can I apply this? I think that's a blog for another day!
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Changing your mind
Do you have certain thoughts that plague you? Do you find yourself fixating on the same scenarios over and over? I do.
Usually they are thoughts of lack. Not enough. Can't. Won't be able to.
Or alternately, I'll have to.
As an artist I have become familiar with these thoughts and should know by now that they aren't real. They are figments of my imagination. But yet, they are so addictive. And potent. They are seductive and make me believe that this time they're real. This time that disaster really will happen, because I've managed to prevent it all those other times. Oddly enough that doesn't lead me to believe I can handle it, nooooo, it insists that this is the time that my luck is going to finally run out.
Although I can't say for certain, if I were a betting woman, I'd bet that everyone has these kinds of thoughts from time to time. And you know what I think about them? I think that the trick isn't to not ever have them, the trick is, how to manage them.
I don't claim to be an expert at this, but I'm learning.
I had one of those moments today. I had too much coffee and I was feeling a lot of anxiety about money. Always money. And for no real good reason. So I called a friend. After I hung up the phone, I felt worse because I knew that it was the same old song and dance, and they've heard it a billion times. So I cleaned my fridge. (That's kind of an interesting way to deal with your psychological problems right?) Well, I can't say it helped me, but after wallowing in my frustration and anxiety for a while, I decided to take action. First, I started by looking for a job. Just a regular, run of the mill, j-o-b. Did it help? Nope. It made me depressed to think that with the amount of education and life experience I have gleaned I would be reduced to some of the things I was looking at. And then inspiration hit.
Screw you negativity! Take THAT you negative thoughts. I am worthy. I can do it. I will do it. I am enough, I have enough, and I can make a change.
So what has really changed here? Did I suddenly come up with a brilliant idea that will make me a mint in the next 24 hours? Nope. The only thing different here is my mind. I decided to change it. I didn't like feeling powerless so I embraced my power. I sat down here and wrote about it and in the process I transformed those feelings of anxiety and powerlessness into something different. And now, I feel like I can tackle the world.
So I leave you with this question. What does it take for you to change your mind?
Usually they are thoughts of lack. Not enough. Can't. Won't be able to.
Or alternately, I'll have to.
As an artist I have become familiar with these thoughts and should know by now that they aren't real. They are figments of my imagination. But yet, they are so addictive. And potent. They are seductive and make me believe that this time they're real. This time that disaster really will happen, because I've managed to prevent it all those other times. Oddly enough that doesn't lead me to believe I can handle it, nooooo, it insists that this is the time that my luck is going to finally run out.
Although I can't say for certain, if I were a betting woman, I'd bet that everyone has these kinds of thoughts from time to time. And you know what I think about them? I think that the trick isn't to not ever have them, the trick is, how to manage them.
I don't claim to be an expert at this, but I'm learning.
I had one of those moments today. I had too much coffee and I was feeling a lot of anxiety about money. Always money. And for no real good reason. So I called a friend. After I hung up the phone, I felt worse because I knew that it was the same old song and dance, and they've heard it a billion times. So I cleaned my fridge. (That's kind of an interesting way to deal with your psychological problems right?) Well, I can't say it helped me, but after wallowing in my frustration and anxiety for a while, I decided to take action. First, I started by looking for a job. Just a regular, run of the mill, j-o-b. Did it help? Nope. It made me depressed to think that with the amount of education and life experience I have gleaned I would be reduced to some of the things I was looking at. And then inspiration hit.
Screw you negativity! Take THAT you negative thoughts. I am worthy. I can do it. I will do it. I am enough, I have enough, and I can make a change.
So what has really changed here? Did I suddenly come up with a brilliant idea that will make me a mint in the next 24 hours? Nope. The only thing different here is my mind. I decided to change it. I didn't like feeling powerless so I embraced my power. I sat down here and wrote about it and in the process I transformed those feelings of anxiety and powerlessness into something different. And now, I feel like I can tackle the world.
So I leave you with this question. What does it take for you to change your mind?
Friday, June 3, 2011
A troll trying to get my goat
I am currently engaged in a debate on Facebook over the new minimum wage structure that the Alberta Government has implemented. The gentleman that I am in discussion with is of the opinion that $9/hr should sufficient to keep a family afloat. I disagree. We have been debating back and forth for most of the day. Pretty interesting but there's one problem. He's a troll.
According to Wikipedia, a troll is defined as "someone who posts inflammatory, extraneous, or off-topic messages in an online community, such as an online discussion forum, chat room, or blog, with the primary intent of provoking readers into an emotional response or of otherwise disrupting normal on-topic discussion."
The conversation started off very diplomatically. I was truly interested in hearing what he had to say and why he believed that this wage was sufficient. I challenged him with some questions. He answered them - well, he answered some of them. I asked again and thanked him for his response. He respectfully replied. I'm thinking - "this is great! This kind of dialogue is what's lacking in Canadian politics today. I love this!" And then.... it started getting ugly.
He started to insult me, and others that are questioning him. He told one woman (who identified herself as a teacher) that "Teachers are overpaid.... in university all the kids that can't hack anything over a B run to education to find a good paying job." Not nice.
Not only is it not nice, but he is essentially trying to shut down any real dialogue. I find this utterly appalling.
I don't believe that everyone has to think the way I do but I am disgusted by the lack of courtesy and respect that I see in politics in this country. Canadians are being constantly exposed to this toxic political atmosphere so it's no wonder people are feeling disenchanted with the whole thing. Why speak up if you're going to be bullied?
So here I sit, trying to decide how I will respond. Knowing that he is deliberately trying to provoke people and "get their goats". Do I take the bait? Do I continue to press him to answer the questions I've posed to see if he can? Or do I stop wasting my energy?
Or perhaps I should simply point out his lack of courtesy and ask him to stick to the issues. What do you think?
According to Wikipedia, a troll is defined as "someone who posts inflammatory, extraneous, or off-topic messages in an online community, such as an online discussion forum, chat room, or blog, with the primary intent of provoking readers into an emotional response or of otherwise disrupting normal on-topic discussion."
The conversation started off very diplomatically. I was truly interested in hearing what he had to say and why he believed that this wage was sufficient. I challenged him with some questions. He answered them - well, he answered some of them. I asked again and thanked him for his response. He respectfully replied. I'm thinking - "this is great! This kind of dialogue is what's lacking in Canadian politics today. I love this!" And then.... it started getting ugly.
He started to insult me, and others that are questioning him. He told one woman (who identified herself as a teacher) that "Teachers are overpaid.... in university all the kids that can't hack anything over a B run to education to find a good paying job." Not nice.
Not only is it not nice, but he is essentially trying to shut down any real dialogue. I find this utterly appalling.
I don't believe that everyone has to think the way I do but I am disgusted by the lack of courtesy and respect that I see in politics in this country. Canadians are being constantly exposed to this toxic political atmosphere so it's no wonder people are feeling disenchanted with the whole thing. Why speak up if you're going to be bullied?
So here I sit, trying to decide how I will respond. Knowing that he is deliberately trying to provoke people and "get their goats". Do I take the bait? Do I continue to press him to answer the questions I've posed to see if he can? Or do I stop wasting my energy?
Or perhaps I should simply point out his lack of courtesy and ask him to stick to the issues. What do you think?
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Valuable skills and arts education
Today I went on a field trip with my daughter to the St. Albert Children's Festival. We saw a performance this afternoon by a circus troupe that totally blew my mind. As a performer, I was thrilled by the theatricality and showmanship of some of the performances, but beyond that I was in awe of some of the skills these people possessed. And I'm not talking their physical prowess. That was undeniable. These people were incredible athletes. I'm talking about their mental skills. Skills that we say we value in our society, but do we?
One of my favorite acts was a man and a woman doing acrobatics. She was being held in a variety of lifts in incredibly difficult positions - sometimes balancing on only one hand. From this position, the man lowered himself to the floor and while continuing to balance her, would somehow tuck his legs through his arms and do a roll. It was absolutely breathtaking. The thing that I liked the most about this act was the communication and trust in this relationship. There was nothing said, but they were so closely tuned into each others bodies and energies. They had to be. To top it off, they did it all with smiles on their faces and with a great deal of flair. I was so impressed.
These performers were disciplined, strong, courageous and had incredible focus. They were performing amazing physical feats that required immense concentration in front of a theatre full of noisy and excited children, and they didn't miss a step. How many people can say that of themselves?
This is the value of an arts education, and this is what the arts can teach us all. These skills are invaluable in our society. Focus. Discipline. Courage. Communication. Trust. Concentration.
Now remind me again why the arts and arts education are not valuable?
One of my favorite acts was a man and a woman doing acrobatics. She was being held in a variety of lifts in incredibly difficult positions - sometimes balancing on only one hand. From this position, the man lowered himself to the floor and while continuing to balance her, would somehow tuck his legs through his arms and do a roll. It was absolutely breathtaking. The thing that I liked the most about this act was the communication and trust in this relationship. There was nothing said, but they were so closely tuned into each others bodies and energies. They had to be. To top it off, they did it all with smiles on their faces and with a great deal of flair. I was so impressed.
These performers were disciplined, strong, courageous and had incredible focus. They were performing amazing physical feats that required immense concentration in front of a theatre full of noisy and excited children, and they didn't miss a step. How many people can say that of themselves?
This is the value of an arts education, and this is what the arts can teach us all. These skills are invaluable in our society. Focus. Discipline. Courage. Communication. Trust. Concentration.
Now remind me again why the arts and arts education are not valuable?
Monday, May 30, 2011
Fear
As I was writing the two posts about "the dog", I was fretting over whether or not to bother posting them. They weren't "important". They contained nothing interesting, they were just stories from my life. Who would want to read that??
Then a whole litany of reasons not to write came flooding into my mind. It's boring, people won't like what I have to say, it's not well written, I sound like a whiner, I'm making myself out to be something I'm not, it's a waste of time, I'm going to run out of things to say... and on and on and on.
I was doing something I loved, getting positive feedback from people and yet I was wracked with negative thoughts about it.
What the hell was going on?
Fear.
Fear of success, fear of failure, fear of being exposed as a fraud and here's the kicker - fear of what others think. It almost stopped me. I considered quitting but then a couple of things happened.
First of all I realized my fear wasn't real. Fortunately I recognized this pretty quickly because of my familiarity with this paralytic state and with the help of my husband and good friends I was able to work my way out of it. It's taken me a long time and a lot of internal work to get to this point. I used to think that my fears were real. And I let them stop me.
Another interesting thing happened then - I realized that I'm having way too much fun to stop! I hope that people read this, and I hope that they get something out of it, but ultimately I have no control over that. I can only do the work.
This brings me back to my last post about love. 'Love conquering all' isn't just about loving another person. It's also about loving something enough to risk conquering your fears. Love was what kept me from quitting this blog. I'm having a ball writing it. It's not about money or recognition, it's about joy. Writing this makes me happy. If others enjoy it too, that's the icing on the cake.
Then a whole litany of reasons not to write came flooding into my mind. It's boring, people won't like what I have to say, it's not well written, I sound like a whiner, I'm making myself out to be something I'm not, it's a waste of time, I'm going to run out of things to say... and on and on and on.
I was doing something I loved, getting positive feedback from people and yet I was wracked with negative thoughts about it.
What the hell was going on?
Fear.
Fear of success, fear of failure, fear of being exposed as a fraud and here's the kicker - fear of what others think. It almost stopped me. I considered quitting but then a couple of things happened.
First of all I realized my fear wasn't real. Fortunately I recognized this pretty quickly because of my familiarity with this paralytic state and with the help of my husband and good friends I was able to work my way out of it. It's taken me a long time and a lot of internal work to get to this point. I used to think that my fears were real. And I let them stop me.
This brings me back to my last post about love. 'Love conquering all' isn't just about loving another person. It's also about loving something enough to risk conquering your fears. Love was what kept me from quitting this blog. I'm having a ball writing it. It's not about money or recognition, it's about joy. Writing this makes me happy. If others enjoy it too, that's the icing on the cake.
Saturday, May 28, 2011
The transformative power of love
There is a saying that love conquers all. Many people who are intelligent and educated believe this is a fallacious statement. I think it's true. I think that love has the power to transform hurt, and I do think it can conquer just about anything.
I have a friend who has recently got into a very intense relationship. His first relationship. He has waited a long time to find someone to love and been through many internal struggles to feel worthy of being loved. Unfortunately his partner is in the midst of some terrible family chaos. To save my friend from being hurt, a pre-emptive strike was waged and the relationship was essentially ended. My friend was naturally hurt, and worried about the person he loves. But somewhere in my gut was a little voice saying "don't give up yet, they may surprise you..."
Tonight my friend called me to say that the partner's mother called to tell him that her child was so happy in the relationship and to please work it out. They did and I'm thrilled for them both. But my friend said to me "this is the get out jail free card. The next time this happens, I'm out." And he may well decide that. But I doubt it. Because he is in love. And love allows us to bear many things.
In my own twenty year relationship we have inevitably been through many ups and downs, and often have covered some of the same territory over and over again. When you find yourself back on that familiar terrain you can wonder "why the hell am I still dealing with this stuff?" But the answer is simple. Because I love him. And because he loves me. That's why we put up with each other!
Now I don`t advocate staying in an abusive relationship. Far from it. But I do think that many people give up too easily. The first sign of a bump in the road and they run the other way. Love ain't easy. In the immortal words of Pat Benatar "Love is a Battlefield". Well, sometimes it is. Fortunately for me I'm up for the fight.
I have a friend who has recently got into a very intense relationship. His first relationship. He has waited a long time to find someone to love and been through many internal struggles to feel worthy of being loved. Unfortunately his partner is in the midst of some terrible family chaos. To save my friend from being hurt, a pre-emptive strike was waged and the relationship was essentially ended. My friend was naturally hurt, and worried about the person he loves. But somewhere in my gut was a little voice saying "don't give up yet, they may surprise you..."
Tonight my friend called me to say that the partner's mother called to tell him that her child was so happy in the relationship and to please work it out. They did and I'm thrilled for them both. But my friend said to me "this is the get out jail free card. The next time this happens, I'm out." And he may well decide that. But I doubt it. Because he is in love. And love allows us to bear many things.
In my own twenty year relationship we have inevitably been through many ups and downs, and often have covered some of the same territory over and over again. When you find yourself back on that familiar terrain you can wonder "why the hell am I still dealing with this stuff?" But the answer is simple. Because I love him. And because he loves me. That's why we put up with each other!
Now I don`t advocate staying in an abusive relationship. Far from it. But I do think that many people give up too easily. The first sign of a bump in the road and they run the other way. Love ain't easy. In the immortal words of Pat Benatar "Love is a Battlefield". Well, sometimes it is. Fortunately for me I'm up for the fight.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
The dog - part 2
After a bit of searching I found a beautiful dog being housed at a veterinary clinic outside of the city. I spoke on the phone with his caretakers and asked all the pertinent questions. All that was left was to go and meet him. We were planning to go on the weekend, and then it started to snow. Travel was not advised on any of the highways surrounding Edmonton, so we waited. The vet clinic called back to tell us he was still there, and we agreed that we would try again the next weekend. But when that came....it was snowing. Again.
Rather impulsively I said to my husband "let's go down to the Humane Society. Just to look."
We were decided that we wanted to adopt an adult male dog and found a beautiful fellow that fit the bill. He was calm, gentle and well behaved on his leash. We went home to sleep on our decision and I was to go back the following day to adopt him.
When I went back, I asked to see him again and I asked him if he wanted to come home with us. He wouldn't give me the time of day. I was really not feeling the love. And although I so badly wanted to adopt a dog, I knew in my heart that he wasn't the right one for us.
Because I had nothing to lose, I decided to go into the kennels with the females. Just for the heck of it. (You can see where this is going can't you?)
I found a beautiful black furry ball of bounding energy in one kennel. On the door was posted her breed - Corgi/American Eskimo. Another Corgi - heaven help me. After a huge shove from my darling husband, we adopted her. Her name is Riley and she has rocked my world.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
The dog - part 1
Anyone who knows me knows that I love dogs. I'm a bit of a dog-aholic really if I can make up a word. Just before my husband and I got married we bought a puppy. His name was Geordi and he was a Pembroke Welsh Corgi. He fell asleep in my lap as a wee puppy and from that moment on I was smitten. He was my baby. But all good things must end and when Geordi was no longer a part of my life, I was heartbroken.
Life has a funny way of turning out sometimes and ironically, I ended up becoming owned by two cats. They are lovely pets that have taught me about patience and boundaries and I love them both dearly. However, they aren't dogs. I yearned for a dog.
I have been in this state of longing for years. I used to surf Petfinder as often as some men surf for porn. I used to sit on the bench outside of the off-leash park and watch the dogs play and run with a smile on my face and tears in my eyes. We tried once to get a puppy while we were in Toronto, but neither the puppy nor the timing was right and we regretfully sent her back to the rescue society. A beautiful German Shepherd cross, she quickly found a new home, but I was left a little traumatized. What if that happened again? What if the time is never right? What if I never find another dog to love like I loved Geordi?
Fortunately for me I have a very smart husband. He knew that having a dog in my life would make me happy. And he wanted to see me happy. We decided to start looking in earnest.
Fortunately for me I have a very smart husband. He knew that having a dog in my life would make me happy. And he wanted to see me happy. We decided to start looking in earnest.
Now one would think that this would make me very happy. Well, one would be wrong. I was wracked with doubt. Was I expecting too much? Would a dog truly make me happy?
Then came the self abuse. You can't handle a dog, you can barely handle what you have in your life right now. Dogs need exercise, do you think you'll walk it everyday? If you love walking so much, why aren't you doing it without the dog? You're using it as a crutch. It won't fix all the problems in your life. It won't make you happy. It's so much work. They're expensive. What will you do if something happens? And the kicker - what will other people think??
I wrestled with these questions. I agonized. I journalled about it, talked to friends, prayed for a sign and then finally my darling husband in his no-nonsense way said to me "either shit or get off the pot."
So I shat.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Purpose
If you've ever felt like you had no idea where your life was going or what you should do next, you'll relate to where I was a few months ago.
Moving halfway across the country is not easy. In spite of the fact that I had done it several times before, I forgot how the upheaval felt. I guess it's a bit like having a baby - if women remembered exactly how it felt, it's likely that there would be a lot more families with only one child. But as time goes on, the sharp edges begin to dull and the intensity of our experiences starts to fade a bit. In our minds we remember, but we absorb the feelings into our bodies where they become a part of us. And somehow, although we say to ourselves "this is going to be difficult", when we are faced with the reality of the situation and are knee deep in it, the words seem inadequate to express what we truly feel.
As tough as it was on me to leave, the worst thing had to be watching my daughter's struggles to cope with leaving her friends and her childhood home. That has to be one of the worst parts of parenthood - watching your child hurt and being able to do very little to ease the pain.
Moving halfway across the country is not easy. In spite of the fact that I had done it several times before, I forgot how the upheaval felt. I guess it's a bit like having a baby - if women remembered exactly how it felt, it's likely that there would be a lot more families with only one child. But as time goes on, the sharp edges begin to dull and the intensity of our experiences starts to fade a bit. In our minds we remember, but we absorb the feelings into our bodies where they become a part of us. And somehow, although we say to ourselves "this is going to be difficult", when we are faced with the reality of the situation and are knee deep in it, the words seem inadequate to express what we truly feel.
As tough as it was on me to leave, the worst thing had to be watching my daughter's struggles to cope with leaving her friends and her childhood home. That has to be one of the worst parts of parenthood - watching your child hurt and being able to do very little to ease the pain.
But the one thing I did have in the midst of the chaos was a purpose. We came here to help my husband's parents as his dad battled cancer. Period.
Having a purpose gives life structure and meaning. It may not be the things you would necessarily like, but you know what you have to do, and you do it. In my case I tried to adjust and to fulfill what I had come here to do - to help. I may not have always handled it as well as I could have, but I did my best.
And then one day, my purpose was gone.
The question loomed. Now what??
Having a purpose gives life structure and meaning. It may not be the things you would necessarily like, but you know what you have to do, and you do it. In my case I tried to adjust and to fulfill what I had come here to do - to help. I may not have always handled it as well as I could have, but I did my best.
And then one day, my purpose was gone.
The question loomed. Now what??
The answer to that question began in a most unlikely place. It began in the form of a dog.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Changes...
When we moved away from our lives in Toronto to come home, I left behind everything that I had built in the six-ish years we were there. I had to start all over again.
I struggled for months to come to grips with what my new life had in store for me. I missed Toronto, I missed my friends, I missed my life there. I was miserable.
In spite of that, I knew in my heart that we had made the right decision. I never doubted that for a moment even though my life was so different from what it had been, and so difficult.
My circumstances had created a complete shift in my life. Now don't get me wrong, I know that I made the decision to move, and I accept the responsibility of that choice. But when your life goes through a fundamental change, whether by choice or not, it takes time to adjust. And I struggled. A lot.
My friends advised me to just sit with it. To stop trying so hard. To stop trying to "make" something happen. I had a hard time with this. I hate sitting still. I hated feeling the way I did. And yet every time I tried to take the reins, the universe would find something else to keep me stuck. In about March, I remember saying to a dear friend that I wanted some drama in my life, positive drama. Well, the universe has a sense of humour because a couple of weeks later I got my drama in the form of a polar bear swim at a local park.
I had been walking my dog in an off-leash park when she ran after another dog who was chasing geese and fell through the ice on a pond. After calling 911 and running back and forth in a panic, I tried to wade in to retrieve her, only to get stuck up to my knees in muck. I came out and watched as she struggled to get onto the ice, whimpering and starting to get tired. So I did what any dog lover would do. I crawled out on the ice to get her. I made my way on hands and knees until I neared the edge where I got onto my belly and shimmied out to her. I tried to throw my fleece jacket for her to grab onto but she didn't understand, so I moved closer and...crack. The ice broke under me. I pushed her onto the ice and eventually pulled myself out too and in the end we were both fine. The moral of the story? Don't ask the universe for drama!!!
After this escapade I did what my friends suggested. I stopped. I stopped trying to make something happen in my life. I sat in the void. Now that's not to say that I sat on my butt all day everyday, far from it. But I let my life unfold. I stopped trying to force my will on the shape it would take. To be honest, it felt a little like giving up. I didn't make plans or set goals - at least not for anything bigger than what I needed to do that week. I didn't try to figure out how to eat the whole buffet, I just ate the food on my plate. And little by little, things started to get clear.
I struggled for months to come to grips with what my new life had in store for me. I missed Toronto, I missed my friends, I missed my life there. I was miserable.
In spite of that, I knew in my heart that we had made the right decision. I never doubted that for a moment even though my life was so different from what it had been, and so difficult.
My circumstances had created a complete shift in my life. Now don't get me wrong, I know that I made the decision to move, and I accept the responsibility of that choice. But when your life goes through a fundamental change, whether by choice or not, it takes time to adjust. And I struggled. A lot.
My friends advised me to just sit with it. To stop trying so hard. To stop trying to "make" something happen. I had a hard time with this. I hate sitting still. I hated feeling the way I did. And yet every time I tried to take the reins, the universe would find something else to keep me stuck. In about March, I remember saying to a dear friend that I wanted some drama in my life, positive drama. Well, the universe has a sense of humour because a couple of weeks later I got my drama in the form of a polar bear swim at a local park.
I had been walking my dog in an off-leash park when she ran after another dog who was chasing geese and fell through the ice on a pond. After calling 911 and running back and forth in a panic, I tried to wade in to retrieve her, only to get stuck up to my knees in muck. I came out and watched as she struggled to get onto the ice, whimpering and starting to get tired. So I did what any dog lover would do. I crawled out on the ice to get her. I made my way on hands and knees until I neared the edge where I got onto my belly and shimmied out to her. I tried to throw my fleece jacket for her to grab onto but she didn't understand, so I moved closer and...crack. The ice broke under me. I pushed her onto the ice and eventually pulled myself out too and in the end we were both fine. The moral of the story? Don't ask the universe for drama!!!
After this escapade I did what my friends suggested. I stopped. I stopped trying to make something happen in my life. I sat in the void. Now that's not to say that I sat on my butt all day everyday, far from it. But I let my life unfold. I stopped trying to force my will on the shape it would take. To be honest, it felt a little like giving up. I didn't make plans or set goals - at least not for anything bigger than what I needed to do that week. I didn't try to figure out how to eat the whole buffet, I just ate the food on my plate. And little by little, things started to get clear.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Joy and suffering
When I was struggling to "make it" as a classical singer, I thought that being an artist was hard. That it was a ticket to being miserable and that somehow that was how it was supposed to be most of the time. I had my highs when I performed, but when I wasn't performing I wondered if I was good enough, if I'd ever be successful, and when I'd perform again. I was wracked with doubt.
But I remember one wise teacher who discussed with us this strange compulsion for suffering. I think she used this quote by Louise Bogan:
"I cannot believe that the inscrutable universe turns on an axis of suffering; surely the strange beauty of the world must somewhere rest on pure joy!"
I've read a lot of books about artistic process and have found established, successful artists that believe that making art requires suffering. I bought into this paradigm and these books helped me to justify my misery and to hold it close to me.
I don't believe it anymore. I don't believe that my ability to make art is related to how much I'm willing to suffer. At least it isn't for me.
Now I may be completely talking out of my ass, because how do I know that my joy is producing anything valuable at all? I guess only time will tell whether or not "following my bliss" (to paraphrase Joseph Campbell) will lead me to success.
But I do know this. Following my bliss is making the journey a helluva lot more fun. And isn't life all about the journey?
But I remember one wise teacher who discussed with us this strange compulsion for suffering. I think she used this quote by Louise Bogan:
"I cannot believe that the inscrutable universe turns on an axis of suffering; surely the strange beauty of the world must somewhere rest on pure joy!"
I've read a lot of books about artistic process and have found established, successful artists that believe that making art requires suffering. I bought into this paradigm and these books helped me to justify my misery and to hold it close to me.
I don't believe it anymore. I don't believe that my ability to make art is related to how much I'm willing to suffer. At least it isn't for me.
Now I may be completely talking out of my ass, because how do I know that my joy is producing anything valuable at all? I guess only time will tell whether or not "following my bliss" (to paraphrase Joseph Campbell) will lead me to success.
But I do know this. Following my bliss is making the journey a helluva lot more fun. And isn't life all about the journey?
Friday, May 20, 2011
Birthday wishes
Today would have been my father-in-law's 77th birthday. I am thinking about him, and although he isn't here to celebrate with us, I see no reason why we shouldn't mark the occasion. He's gone, but his life and his legacy gives us all a lot to celebrate.
Dear Mshoom,
I have some things that I would like you to know today. Some people may wonder why I didn't tell them to you while you were alive, but you were a humble soul and I know I would only have embarassed you.
We are all sad that you are no longer with us, that much is obvious. If you were, I can imagine you sitting down to enjoy a big piece of cake and tucking into it with great enjoyment. It makes me smile. You have given so much to everyone who knew you. You've touched many lives. You've touched my life.
I want you to know how much I love and respect you. I always felt welcome in your home, and welcome as a part of your family. You never made me feel different because I did not share your culture, instead you seemed to focus on the things that we had in common, like our love of music. I remember fondly plunking out new fiddle tunes for you on the piano, and remember how you would cringe when I hit a wrong note! And I always liked it when you played "Life in the Finland Woods" for me. It was such a gift. I'm glad we shared those things.
I admire the things you accomplished in your life despite your rough start. You could have been one of those lost souls roaming the streets of Edmonton, but you turned your life around and made something of it. You weren't born with a silver spoon in your mouth, but you took what little you had been given and you made something of it.
Wherever you are now, I hope it is a good place. If all that lives on of you is our memories, you most definitely are in a good place because our memories of you are good ones.
Your generosity and your kindness leaves me with a heart full of gratitude. You are thought of often, and well, and very much missed.
Cindy
Dear Mshoom,
I have some things that I would like you to know today. Some people may wonder why I didn't tell them to you while you were alive, but you were a humble soul and I know I would only have embarassed you.
We are all sad that you are no longer with us, that much is obvious. If you were, I can imagine you sitting down to enjoy a big piece of cake and tucking into it with great enjoyment. It makes me smile. You have given so much to everyone who knew you. You've touched many lives. You've touched my life.
I want you to know how much I love and respect you. I always felt welcome in your home, and welcome as a part of your family. You never made me feel different because I did not share your culture, instead you seemed to focus on the things that we had in common, like our love of music. I remember fondly plunking out new fiddle tunes for you on the piano, and remember how you would cringe when I hit a wrong note! And I always liked it when you played "Life in the Finland Woods" for me. It was such a gift. I'm glad we shared those things.
I admire the things you accomplished in your life despite your rough start. You could have been one of those lost souls roaming the streets of Edmonton, but you turned your life around and made something of it. You weren't born with a silver spoon in your mouth, but you took what little you had been given and you made something of it.
Wherever you are now, I hope it is a good place. If all that lives on of you is our memories, you most definitely are in a good place because our memories of you are good ones.
Your generosity and your kindness leaves me with a heart full of gratitude. You are thought of often, and well, and very much missed.
Cindy
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Well I finally did it
Several weeks ago Canada had a Federal election. This is an election that I believe will transform our country. And it has transformed me.
I grew up in a very political family. Discussions of politics at family gatherings were not only a common occurrence, but frequently dominated the family dynamic. As a young adult trying to find my footing in the world, I was encouraged to enter this domain - or at least to enter a field of study where I would be doing some good in the world like Law or Education. I chose instead the path of the artist and for a time I rejected politics. It was distasteful to me.
This past Federal election has changed that for me. Although I still sometimes find the whole thing distasteful, I know that I can no longer turn a blind eye to what's going on in our country. Even the fact that it is distasteful calls for my attention. The landscape of political discourse is abysmal. People don't talk anymore. We have become so polarized that we reject ideas out of hand based on where they are coming from, or who they are coming from. Mud-slinging and "spin" have become the norm. No matter what your political stripe, this lack of dialogue is disturbing. How can we build a country we can all share and live in if we can't even talk to each other?
So I decided to try and do something about it. I started a group on Facebook called "Pro-Canada". My intention for this group is to use it as a non-partisan forum to discuss issues, ideas and share news. I want to encourage respectful and open-minded dialogue from people of all political beliefs. I know that personally I often let politics slide onto the backburner because I'm too busy dealing with the stuff overflowing on the other burners! My hope is that by starting this forum we can help keep each other informed and that it can become a place where we can meet to discuss our shared vision for this country and ways to make that a reality in our busy lives. Because I don't think we're as far apart as all that. We're just made to think we are.
I grew up in a very political family. Discussions of politics at family gatherings were not only a common occurrence, but frequently dominated the family dynamic. As a young adult trying to find my footing in the world, I was encouraged to enter this domain - or at least to enter a field of study where I would be doing some good in the world like Law or Education. I chose instead the path of the artist and for a time I rejected politics. It was distasteful to me.
This past Federal election has changed that for me. Although I still sometimes find the whole thing distasteful, I know that I can no longer turn a blind eye to what's going on in our country. Even the fact that it is distasteful calls for my attention. The landscape of political discourse is abysmal. People don't talk anymore. We have become so polarized that we reject ideas out of hand based on where they are coming from, or who they are coming from. Mud-slinging and "spin" have become the norm. No matter what your political stripe, this lack of dialogue is disturbing. How can we build a country we can all share and live in if we can't even talk to each other?
So I decided to try and do something about it. I started a group on Facebook called "Pro-Canada". My intention for this group is to use it as a non-partisan forum to discuss issues, ideas and share news. I want to encourage respectful and open-minded dialogue from people of all political beliefs. I know that personally I often let politics slide onto the backburner because I'm too busy dealing with the stuff overflowing on the other burners! My hope is that by starting this forum we can help keep each other informed and that it can become a place where we can meet to discuss our shared vision for this country and ways to make that a reality in our busy lives. Because I don't think we're as far apart as all that. We're just made to think we are.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
First re-birth, and now death...
A year ago last May, an event occurred that has fundamentally altered the trajectory of my life. My father-in-law was diagnosed with lung cancer. Now at first, they were going to do surgery and expected that they would be able to remove the cancer, but once they got in, realized that it had spread to places not reachable by surgery. It was incurable. The next ten months we lived with this knowledge and yet knowing it and experiencing it turned out to be two totally different things. Death is like birth in this regard, you can watch others go through it, mentally prepare yourself for it, but nothing can ever make you understand how it rocks your world until you go through it. It's just the way it is.
We watched as my father-in-law endured the sickness that comes with chemotherapy, the radiation, further surgery to stop some bleeding, and his subsequent decline. It happened in front of our eyes, and he died surrounded by loved ones. I was one of those loved ones, and although I was with him as his life ended, I still find it hard to wrap my brain around him being gone. GONE, gone. As in never coming back.
And yet, the weeks and days leading up to his death were beautiful somehow. I have never felt so "present" in my own life. The spectre of death brings life into such sharp focus. I never understood how people could work in palliative care, but like the beginning of life, there is something very sacred and special about the time at the end of one's life too. Although I am sad, I'm really glad that we were here with him.
There is a hole in the fabric of my life now. Although he was not a part of my day to day routines, there was security in knowing he was there. Something is fundamentally different now. I'm different now.
We watched as my father-in-law endured the sickness that comes with chemotherapy, the radiation, further surgery to stop some bleeding, and his subsequent decline. It happened in front of our eyes, and he died surrounded by loved ones. I was one of those loved ones, and although I was with him as his life ended, I still find it hard to wrap my brain around him being gone. GONE, gone. As in never coming back.
And yet, the weeks and days leading up to his death were beautiful somehow. I have never felt so "present" in my own life. The spectre of death brings life into such sharp focus. I never understood how people could work in palliative care, but like the beginning of life, there is something very sacred and special about the time at the end of one's life too. Although I am sad, I'm really glad that we were here with him.
There is a hole in the fabric of my life now. Although he was not a part of my day to day routines, there was security in knowing he was there. Something is fundamentally different now. I'm different now.
Monday, May 16, 2011
First thoughts
Where to begin? As a singer, the answer to that question unsurprisingly comes to me in the form of a song. The song "Do, Re, Mi" from the Sound of Music - Let's start at the very beginning, a very good place to start...
Well, there isn't really a beginning. I think I'll start with the title. Why "My Prairie Renaissance"?
I was having a conversation with a dear friend a few days ago and I told her that I was starting to do some writing and really enjoying myself. I am trained as a classical singer and have been cobbling together a living doing teaching, singing and now writing. And I did consider it cobbling. No linear career path for me. Until my friend said to me "You're a real Renaissance woman." It struck a real chord with me. I'd been looking at this all wrong. My life isn't dominated by one over-riding thing anymore. My life is a quest to be whole. To be a good parent, a good wife, a good friend, a good daughter, a singer, a teacher, a writer, an activist, a fitness enthusiast, a dog momma, a cat momma....and the list goes on. I always felt that this made me less. Less focused. Less ambitious. Less passionate. Now I realize the opposite is true. My ambitions are too small to be contained by one label. I guess if I had to apply any label to myself it would be "artist" - because artists tend to defy being labeled! I have so many passions in my life, so many goals and dreams to fulfill. I want to be a well-rounded human being with a sense of balance in my life. So, a Renaissance woman. Hm. Cool.
The word Renaissance is from the French and it literally means, a re-birth. This is very significant to me. A year ago when we discovered that my father-in-law had terminal lung cancer, we made the decision to pull up stakes and come home. Alberta bound. A new beginning for us all. This year was also the year I turned 40 - a milestone. I returned to the place of my birth, and indeed have been experiencing a re-birth. Messy, painful, frightening, joyful, and ultimately transformational.
Well, there isn't really a beginning. I think I'll start with the title. Why "My Prairie Renaissance"?
I was having a conversation with a dear friend a few days ago and I told her that I was starting to do some writing and really enjoying myself. I am trained as a classical singer and have been cobbling together a living doing teaching, singing and now writing. And I did consider it cobbling. No linear career path for me. Until my friend said to me "You're a real Renaissance woman." It struck a real chord with me. I'd been looking at this all wrong. My life isn't dominated by one over-riding thing anymore. My life is a quest to be whole. To be a good parent, a good wife, a good friend, a good daughter, a singer, a teacher, a writer, an activist, a fitness enthusiast, a dog momma, a cat momma....and the list goes on. I always felt that this made me less. Less focused. Less ambitious. Less passionate. Now I realize the opposite is true. My ambitions are too small to be contained by one label. I guess if I had to apply any label to myself it would be "artist" - because artists tend to defy being labeled! I have so many passions in my life, so many goals and dreams to fulfill. I want to be a well-rounded human being with a sense of balance in my life. So, a Renaissance woman. Hm. Cool.
The word Renaissance is from the French and it literally means, a re-birth. This is very significant to me. A year ago when we discovered that my father-in-law had terminal lung cancer, we made the decision to pull up stakes and come home. Alberta bound. A new beginning for us all. This year was also the year I turned 40 - a milestone. I returned to the place of my birth, and indeed have been experiencing a re-birth. Messy, painful, frightening, joyful, and ultimately transformational.
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