Today we said farewell to my mother-in-law in an emotional, funny, touching, soulful and uplifting ceremony. 

It's difficult to put into words my experience in that hall in North Edmonton today.  No matter what your religious or spiritual beliefs I think it is right to say that God/Great Spirit/Creator was there today.  That hall was filled with so much love and genuine caring that I felt it wrap around me and enfold me like a cozy blanket.  

I am so grateful to have been a part of it.

Many years ago when my mother-in-law was living with us in Vancouver and looking after our daughter, she told me that she wanted me to sing at her funeral.  "I want you to sing the Pie Jesu."  It's a stunningly simple piece from a Requiem Mass written by Gabriel Faure.  After her passing, as the family was discussing what to do at her funeral, my husband brought it up that this was her wish.  And from that moment on it had been a question mark hanging over my head.  Should I sing?  Will I be ABLE to sing?  I want to sing, but what if I can't do it?  This morning when I got to the hall, I felt it in my bones and deep in my core that I needed to sing.  Not just to fulfill a promise, but simply because it was something I needed to do.

Now you have to understand that I haven't truly sung in two years - not since before we moved back to Edmonton.  The last time I sang was in the summer of 2010 and aside from demonstrating vocal exercises to my students, I haven't sung since.  The occasional ditty in the shower perhaps, but not "real" singing.

So today I sang, and I poured my heart into that song.  It was a powerful experience.   

As we were driving home today after the funeral and I was ruminating about the day and my experience of it, I started to cry.  At our last visit together, just her and I, she told me she thought that her son and I were going to "strike it big".  She believed in us.  I don't know if she was right, but today as I sang for her I reconnected with a part of myself that had been lying dormant for a couple of years and it was "big".  Out of all this sadness and loss I am so grateful for this powerful and profound experience.  Somehow, even though I didn't know it, it was as if she seemed to know that singing was what I'd need.  Fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly, singers gotta sing.  

If she could have chosen, I think she would have happily married her son to an Aboriginal woman, not because of a disdain for other cultures, but because the truth is that there are ways of being and doing that one takes for granted when you are around others that share your culture.  There is an ease in not having to explain things.  But she got me instead - a white woman of Scandinavian heritage.  So she shared her culture with me and she and I bonded over our shared values for social justice, political awareness and the deep belief in the ongoing struggle for women's equality.  I believe that these shared values went a long way towards bridging that culture gap. 

In my culture, we have a word - Sisu.  It is an important and defining characteristic of the Finnish people.  It's hard to define but I have a coffee cup with the following words on it that I think define it quite well:

  

Persistence, stubbornness, determination, perseverance, guts, courage, spirit, resolve, tenacity, and steadfastness.    

My mother-in-law had all of these attributes in spades. Perhaps that's another reason her and I connected so well and understood each other. 

So although I return home after today's ceremony feeling spent and wrung out, I am also uplifted and I feel very blessed to have been surrounded by the love and emotional support of a warm and closely knit family - both my husband's and my own.  And I'm so glad to have known this formidable and fantastic woman.  I will miss her so very much.