In the void

So I pray for calm and then when calm comes....I have no idea what to do with myself.  Isn't that just typical.

A massive change has just happened and we're still all in transition - and I think shock.  The flowers from the funeral are still blooming in my living room, and I'm wondering about what's coming next.

Not just what bad things are coming (I'm not that pessimistic), but what positive changes might be on their way as well.

I'm antsy.  Maybe I don't really want this to sink in fully, I'm not sure.  The thing we all feared would happen has now actually happened and there's a void there now.  There's a void in the fabric of my life and my family, and a void internally - in my own mind.  A concern that was ever present is no longer there. 

I don't know what to do with that void.  I want to fill it immediately, with life, with work...with something.  To be in it feels awkward - like I'm still holding my breath in anticipation.  I feel uncomfortable.  I should be doing something.  What should I be doing?  I'm trying to anticipate what comes next, but I don't know. 

I'm tired and yet I can't sit still.  I'm not ready to be back at work yet, but I don't know what to do with myself at home.  I feel like I've been stopped in my tracks, sort of like I'm frozen in a moment in time and I don't know how to respond to the stillness.  There's a pause before my life continues on its way, and I am holding my breath instead of breathing into it.