Well, here I sit a week later with a couple of sticks of wood, some matches and a blank look on my face.
The only thing burning around here are the questions in my mind.
Like this one. Just how does one live a creative life filled with passion and joy and connection and spontaneity and still manage to run your life at least somewhat smoothly?
How is it possible to foster my own creativity and give to myself while still being an engaged parent, running a household, maintaining a reasonable relationship with my spouse, and working?
Suddenly what seems so simple becomes a little more complicated.
Who comes first? Do I put my needs first? Or those of my family?
Now I know what the self-help gurus would say. If I give to myself first, then I have something to share with my family. If you fill your own cup, you can share with your loved ones when it overflows.
I may be way off base but I wonder how many of these spiritual "experts" have actually lived in an intimate relationship with another human being.
Relationships take time and effort to maintain. Sometimes quite a lot of effort actually. I'm not making a judgment on whether or not that effort is worth it or not worth it, simply that being in relationship with another human being takes effort. And energy. And compromise.
And so I struggle because my time is not entirely my own. My choices have to reflect my responsibility to the important people in my life.
I know people who have made great sacrifices to their families and relationships in order to have careers as artists. I did not, and would not, make similar choices. I don't think that means that I'm less committed to being an artist, it just means that how I am an artist is going to look very different than it does for someone without these kind of intimate relationships to care for.
So...where does this leave me?
It boils down to a question I'm sure many, many people can relate to.
How do I balance my own needs with the needs of others?
It would be easy to simplify this into a black and white issue and to be seduced by the certainty of pronouncements like: "In order to give to others you must have something to give. Give to yourself first."
In principle I agree that you can't give away what you don't have. I firmly believe that we need to keep our own pilot light lit. It's just that doing this is not as straightforward as it may seem. My take on it? It's not simple. It's not clean cut. It's messy and exasperating and will drive you bugs. There are no straight lines, no simple answers, and there is plenty of room for getting it wrong. It boils down to this. Sometimes you need to put yourself first and sometimes you need to put others first.
How to do this is another question entirely...
Are there ways in which those important people can be brought along for some of the ride? Perhaps if they can share in a small portion of your passion (and you in theirs)the quandary will get smaller.
ReplyDeleteOur artistic household is not immune to the high-wire act of trying to balance competing demands. We chose not to have children, but we have aging parents and we took on community obligations and high-maintenance pets. It's almost as if we loaded ourselves with things that would give us an excuse to avoid our art. Except we don't avoid our art - we just feel guilty about not making it our priority.
But you put it so eloquently: we are not the kind of people who are selfish enough to always put our art ahead of the needs of those who are important to us (whether family or community).
One of my singing teachers tried to tell me that to be successful on the larger stage, you had to be selfish. You had to make sure you surrounded yourself with people who would understand that your career must take precedence, that a singer cannot perform at the top of their game if they do not make their music a priority. As I watch amazing, gifted musicians gradually fade from realizing their full potential because they were not able (or lucky enough) to build that kind of support system, I appreciate the validity of that view. But I have also known people who had drive and good fortune and who have managed to have their careers and their families. Of course, I do not know what went into the forging of those careers - perhaps there were sacrifices made by the "supporting cast".
I console myself that the complications of my life have enriched my literary work. Performing the music of others is a re-creative act; I am happier engaging in creative arts, where I can express all that personal complexity. (Before people jump on me, I must say that being a re-creative artist and giving voice to the complexity of others' lives, adding your own understanding to that work, is also an amazing thing and not in any way secondary - just different. While I am in awe of a masterpiece like the song cycle "Winterreise" and I love performing it, I would much preferred to have written it!)
Sigh - don't hit ENTER before proofreading!
Delete"I would much prefer to have written it".
Thank you for this. It's certainly reassuring to know that I am not alone in my experiences as an artist - with or without children!
Delete